Archive for the 'Diary' Category

The past few weeks have been extremely odd for the daemons in my mind.

I have never been a creature extremely adept at human interactions. At one point earlier in my life I cared so little about them that I neglected them with a passion – for what good were interactions with others if there was nothing I could get from them? There was no point in talking or doing anything with anyone if I could not obtain some sort of immediate result from such exchanges.

Later in my life I figured that those interactions I decided to ignore were not only important to my development as a person, but they were also useful in my road through earth as a human: By talking with others I could get what I wanted, and by talking with others I could obtain simpler things such as affection, pleasure, love, and company through my friends and family. This eventually evolved into a much different purpose (other than almost entirely manipulating people) that was an exaggeration of the idea of friendship: I tried to be liked by as many people as possible to reduce the risk of being hated (and therefore harmed) by anyone. I was a nice person to my friends and even went as far as trying to be nice to those who irrevocably detested me.

And it somehow worked.

Old sayings claim that one does not appreciate something until it is lost (or when it is never within reach), and I recently got to experience that firsthand through almost two years of continuous work with little to no rest: Enter my experience as an adult.

Today is the third day of the first period of proper vacations I have taken in a long time — that is, vacations that were not forcefully taken because of holidays or emergencies concerning those whom I am related to or care about. These are proper, requested vacations that I somehow seem to have earned through a whole lot of work, and a period of time I had been craving and yearning for a relatively long time. Still in the early stages of this journey I have come to realize how much I have left behind for no good reason, and I have come to make plans regarding the things I need to do in order to get those things back into my life — for the things that I want to do are many and the things that I do are not few but they are most certainly not as many as I wish there were.

Back when I was studying, and after I moved to Canada, I realized that I had the opportunity to do much more than I usually did due to the short distances between places and the availability of resources and materials to create and destroy in the city: Practically everything I needed to be and get creative were within reach, so I took everything that I wanted and needed and used it to reach the most creative I have managed to be in my entire existence. But alas! The time to work came to my life and while I did not have to give up any of the things that I had recently begun to do, I quite simply ceased to do them after giving in to the demon that is exhaustion.